A Christmas Carol, the Parody
by ObliqueFireAngel
Summary: Seto Kaiba is Scrooge in this version of A Christmas Carol. Can the cast of YuGiOh manage to pull off one small play without driving anyone crazy? Nope! No real pairings. Total Chaos. Lots of OoCness.


Disclaimer: I disclaim all of these words that I am typing up. Mainly because I couldn't make money off it even if I tried very hard, but also because I have an aversion to lawyers who want to sue me.  
  
A/N Welcome to my Holiday Special Yu-Gi-Oh. It is a Christmas Carol Parody, So my expectations when it comes to reviews are slim to none. Everyone has read at least one of these, I'm sure. It would be nice to get feedback, though with how common this theme is I might not get any. I'm posting this anyway because I wrote it and want to. So there. *Glares at muse on my shoulder that has been swearing that there shalt be no reviews.*  
  
Character Posting (this means that they have their own names but the part of the character they are next to)- Seto Kaiba- Scrooge; Yugi- Tiny Tim; Tea- Daughter of the Cratchet's/ Scrooge's unimportant sister; Joey- Bob Cratchet; Mokuba- Fred, Scrooge's nephew; Mai- Mrs. Cratchet; Serenity- Fred's Wife (does she have a name? Oh well, she shall be nameless.) ; Ryou - Ghost of Christmas Past; Bakura - Ghost of Christmas Present; Maraku- Ghost of Christmas to Come; Yami Yugi- Marley; Tristen and Duke- grave diggers and money collection people; Marik- Christmas to Come's extra that randomly takes over the part; Ishizu- Annabel (or whatever his X's name was)  
  
A Christmas Carol  
  
Seto Kaiba stared out the window of his counting house at the clock outside. '4Kids is not paying for this. Why am I in this again?' Kaiba sighed as he thought about that and then glanced over at where Joey was shaking, although the blonde was also diligently working through a stack of coloring pages, pretending that it was accounting work.  
  
"Dangit, the crayon snapped again. And markers would freezes up in this cold," Joey muttered softly.  
  
Kaiba heard and rolled his eyes, taping a few buttons on his hidden laptop so that he send out the last of his important work to Kaiba Corps.  
  
The bell tolled outside to sound that it was four. Joey jumped out of his chair and raced over to the coal-box.  
  
"What are you doing, mutt?" Kaiba demanded. "You used a piece of coal last week!"  
  
"I wasn't," Joey began.  
  
"Stick to the script as best you can, puppy!"  
  
"Fine, no coal for the frostbitten blonde. I might as well be frozen for all the good I'm doing," Joey gripped and jumped back into his chair.  
  
The front door burst open. "Uncle," sang out Mokuba.  
  
Kaiba repressed a smile and replied, "what are you so happy about?"  
  
"Tomorrow is Christmas and today is Christmas Eve! I am having a party tomorrow and I wish for you to be there," Mokuba exclaimed, the last part being an afterthought.  
  
"Will there be a feast?" Kaiba asked. Mokuba nodded. Kaiba continued, "with pudding and turkey and roasted hams and yams and grapes?" Mokuba nodded emphatically.  
  
"And much, much more." A hopeful look crossed Mokuba's face. "Can you come?"  
  
"No! Nephew, you know I won't touch that stuff!" Kaiba exclaimed. "Bahumbug to Christmas and its trimmings. It is simply another holiday for people to slack off and be paid for it!"  
  
"But Uncle," Mokuba protested, a sad look on his face.  
  
"Don't 'but Uncle' me, now go," Kaiba leaned over as he ushered Mokuba out the door and whispered, "our real Christmas will be really fun, ok Mokie?"  
  
Mokuba grinned and nodded happily in ascent. Practically skipping out the door, he called, "Merry Christmas, Uncle."  
  
"Bahumbug!" Kaiba called back to him. Slamming the door he turned to face a smirking Joey. "What?"  
  
"And you tell me to stick to the script," Joey shook his head sadly and gave an exaggerated sigh.  
  
The door came open again. Tristen and Duke waltzed through the door and looked at Kaiba.  
  
"I told you he would be Scrooge, pay up Duke," Tristen remarked to the darker haired boy.  
  
"As soon as this scene is over," Duke promised.  
  
"And what do you two want?" Kaiba demanded harshly.  
  
"We are here to collect money for the poor." Tristen and Duke said in unison.  
  
"But if you collect money for the poor then they wouldn't be poor anymore," Kaiba argued.  
  
"That would be the point of giving them money," Duke muttered.  
  
"And if they weren't poor anymore," Kaiba continued while glaring sharply at Duke, "Then you two wouldn't have a job anymore. Don't ask me to put both of you fine gentlemen," Kaiba coughed, or laughed, while covering his mouth, "out of a job on Christmas Eve. Don't ask me to do that."  
  
"Do you really think we do this for a living?" Duke queried.  
  
Kaiba's glared deepened as he pushed the two boys towards the still open door. "So both of you get out until you can be reasonable." Kaiba knocked them into the snow. Then he whirled around and slammed the door behind him. However, the door didn't block the string of curses that Tristen let out. Apparently snow had gotten down his shirt.  
  
Joey attempted to stifle his laughter as Kaiba walked past and succeeded, barely.  
  
"Is it nine o'clock yet?" Kaiba asked angrily. "Can't this darn fanfiction be over yet?"  
  
"I don't know," Joey replied. "I guess we should just be thankful the authoress didn't erect a Fourth-wall for this fanfiction."  
  
"Yah," Kaiba remembered other authors and authoresses who had installed fourth-walls and had cared about those walls that they had wrecked. That had been a nightmare.  
  
Joey pointed at an off-page worker. "Hey, you. No, you, with the dorky glasses. Yah, you. Make it nine o'clock. NOW!"  
  
Kaiba snickered at first and then smiled briefly in appreciation as the bell suddenly chimed nine. "Wow, the mutt did something right. I'm in shock."  
  
Joey grinned viciously. "Yep, and I will properly beat you to a pulp if you refer to me as a dog again."  
  
"Whatever, mutt."  
  
Joey rose from his chair calmly and began to walk towards Kaiba, who was smirking brightly, and put his hands into fists. He then appeared outside via Authoress Power.  
  
Yugi hobbled over. "Time to go home, Joey, er, dad?"  
  
Joey stopped glaring at the counting house. "Time to go home, Yugi, er, son."  
  
"Don't worry, Kaiba will learn his lesson tonight, so don't steam over whatever he said. Besides, you are married to Mai in this story."  
  
Joey's eyes widen, "Mai! I forgot that, lets hurry home."  
  
Once the two boys had vanished into the swirling, fake snow, Kaiba walked out of his counting house.  
  
"Now that the idiot is gone," Kaiba muttered in annoyance, "I can go home, too"  
  
A few minutes of walking later and Kaiba had arrived at his mansion. Walking up to the house he noticed that there was something wrong with door knocker. It looked like Yami Yugi's face.  
  
"You are Marley?" Kaiba asked incredulously.  
  
"Well, I was once a spoiled Pharaoh and some believe that I retained my 'spoiledness.' Therefore," the ancient Pharaoh grimaced, "I get to play the part of a dead man that swindled the poor and widows and such."  
  
"Get out of my door knocker, then," Kaiba snapped. "You have overstayed your welcome there."  
  
"Do you know how long it took me to move my spirit into this door knocker from the Millennium Puzzle? Do you?" Yami was shouting, loudly. "An hour! That is how long. I won't move until."  
  
Kaiba opened the door, subsequently smashing Yami's face into the wall, and then slammed the door shut.  
  
Yami's spirit slid unconscious from the door knocker and lay on the ground, completely stunned. Shadi raced onto the set and used the Millennium Key to revive the Pharaoh.  
  
"Thanks," Yami mumbled, rubbing his nose. Then he lurched into the house.  
  
Shadi rolled his eyes. 'Why am I the revival squad,' he wondered in thought.  
  
Kaiba sat in front of the fireplace while eating his oatmeal. About halfway through with his meal Yami's face appeared in the fire.  
  
"You again," Kaiba tiredly grumbled.  
  
Yami merely stuck his tongue out at Kaiba and vanished from the fireplace.  
  
Kaiba had finally gone to his bedroom and had picked up a book from his nightstand and was retiring to his chair to read. Yami fazed through the door behind Kaiba and crept forward.  
  
"Kaiba, Seto Kaiba," Yami called in an imitation of the Marley from a real Movie. "Do you recognize me, Seto Kaiba?"  
  
"No duh."  
  
"You recognized me earlier," Yami said, startled into confusion.  
  
"I said 'duh' which means I was belittling your intelligence," Kaiba explained curtly. "However, since you didn't comprehend that I was being sarcastic then your intelligence must be lower than I thought."  
  
Yami growled angrily and fought hard to control his temper. "You will be visited by three spirits. You know why."  
  
"Actually, if you count yourself it is four 'spirits.'" Kaiba smirked. "Maybe you should learn to count, Pharaoh."  
  
"Why you little," Yami finished by cursing him in Egyptian. Five minutes later, Yami had finally stopped his tirade and was glaring at Kaiba. "I hope Maraku takes your arm off," Yami snapped. With that said, Yami vanished into the night.  
  
"Whatever." Kaiba yawned and walked over to his bed, sitting down slowly before curling up in the middle with his head on a pillow.  
  
It was an hour till twelve, or so the clocks said, when Ryou appeared in the middle of Kaiba's bedroom with Tea standing next to him, adding the final touches to his costume.  
  
"Perfect," the brunette declared. "I have to go get ready for my part now. Good luck, Ryou." And with that, she vanished.  
  
Ryou, who was dressed up to look like Change of Heart, smiled nervously and marched over to where Kaiba, for all appearances, lay asleep.  
  
"Kaiba," Ryou yelled loudly.  
  
Kaiba, startled out of what had been a light nap, jumped in surprise and glanced at Ryou.  
  
"Go away," Kaiba muttered.  
  
"I am the Ghost of Christmas Past." Ryou spoke determinedly, resolutely ignoring Kaiba's deviation from the script. "You will come with me as we journey through your past, Mr. Kaiba."  
  
"And just who will pretend to be me in the past while I am the real me of the present?"  
  
"Shadi will. He just doesn't know it yet." Ryou smiled brightly. "Now come, my time here grows short."  
  
Kaiba got up and stood next to Ryou as the room shifted and became the chess room t the Orphanage. Shadi was dressed in a school uniform, wearing his turban, and sulking in the corner.  
  
"Shadi, get in character!" Ryou's voice became commanding. "Now!" Ryou clapped his hands twice for emphasis.  
  
"Who do you think I am? A serving boy? Don't clap or snap at me, albino- boy!" Shadi thundered.  
  
Ryou bristled dangerously, his face mimicking Bakura at his angriest. "You arrogant, self-possessed, pig-headed," Ryou hushed as Tea walked in.  
  
"Shadi, I am supposed to play the part of Kaiba's long forgotten and uncared about sister. If I can do that role pleasantly then you can refrain from mocking Ryou's lack of skin pigmentation. OK?"  
  
Shadi nodded mutely. "Just keep him from repeating himself in the insults. All three things he said meant the exact same thing."  
  
"Really, would you care for me to go in-depth this time?" Ryou remarked snidely.  
  
Kaiba snickered. "Maybe we should move on to the next scene?"  
  
"Sure," Ryou said crabbily.  
  
The scene changed and they were standing in an office building that resembled Kaiba Corporations' front room. Shadi and Ishizu were dancing along with several random duelists. They were smiling, or rather attempting to, and at one point pretended to kiss under the mistletoe. They were doing their poorest acting ever, so it was rather obvious that they didn't actually kiss.  
  
Ryou rolled his eyes. "See, Kaiba. You once cared."  
  
"Key word; ONCE!" Kaiba smirked as several nearby people, including Rex Raptor and Weevil Underwood turned to glare at him.  
  
"Just pretend. Please."  
  
"No. Next memory."  
  
"Fine!" Ryou stamped his foot on the ground and the scene changed.  
  
It was just Ishizu and Shadi standing in the middle of one of the parks in Domino. They looked cold.  
  
"You missed it." Shadi smirked. "She broke up with me. It was a real tearjerker. Shame that neither of you were here to witness it."  
  
The scene vanished and Ryou and Kaiba were placed back in Kaiba's room. Then, just as he began to rant about how Shadi cheated, Ryou was whisked away.  
  
Kaiba collapsed onto his bed and sprawled out, falling asleep once again.  
  
At twelve midnight, Bakura appeared.  
  
"Bwahahahahaha. Awaken mortal. It is time for you to learn the true meaning of fear," Bakura cackled.  
  
Looking up at Bakura, Kaiba asked sleepily, "didn't I get rid of you earlier?"  
  
"No, that was my Hikari, Ryou," Bakura said condescendingly, something completely lost on the groggy CEO. "I am the Spirit of Christmas Present. I shall destroy you and add your soul to my collection, foolish mortal."  
  
"Would you refrain from referring to me as 'mortal?' You can call me Kaiba just like everyone else," Kaiba snarled while sitting up and stretching.  
  
"Whatever, MORTAL," Bakura said with a smirk on his face. "Now I shall show you what the pathetic mutt and his mate and children are up to this Christmas. I am also supposed to have a feast here in this room with the foods of generosity. However, Maraku helped me destroy the food of generosity with army bombs known as C4. So there will be no generosity food."  
  
"Figures." Kaiba walked over to stand next to Bakura. "Hurry up, the faster this is gotten over with the faster you can stop acting under the constraints of this pathetic role."  
  
"I shall do as I please, Kaiba," Bakura drawled as the scene slowly melted away and a new scene showing Mai and Joey in a kitchen appeared. (It was actually the cafeteria at their school, but that is beside the point.)  
  
"Tea, Yugi, Christmas snack, er, dinner is ready! Hurry down here, children," Mai calls loudly.  
  
"Can this really be called dinner?" Joey muttered. "There isn't enough for one person, much less four. Stupid story with its pathetic food allowances."  
  
"Wow. He really does know a few large words," Kaiba said with an unusually resonant voice.  
  
Joey glared at Kaiba and then returned to watching the food.  
  
Tea raced into the room and sat down. "YUGI, hurry up, you don't have to limp when people can't see you!" Tea screeched.  
  
"Someone gave her coffee," Bakura grumbled. He messaged his temples and added, "I just am not paid enough for this, why can't I just go back to robbing tombs? At least then I knew people took me seriously."  
  
Kaiba regarded Bakura carefully. 'The deranged spirit sounded almost sane for a change. That definitely was not something that I expected,' he thought guardedly.  
  
Yugi limped into the room. "It isn't my fault I'm late. Marik was attempting to burn the crutch. Apparently OFA bought a fireproof crutch in case something like that were to happen."  
  
"Fire!" Marik's voice called from the sidelines.  
  
Tea jumped in surprise. Kaiba snickered.  
  
"The pyro is providing some paltry entertainment," Bakura observed.  
  
"Nice alliteration," Kaiba whispered.  
  
"I might have stolen it, I don't remember," Bakura whispered back.  
  
"Hush," Mai said, staring at Kaiba and Bakura.  
  
"I propose a toast to Mr. Kaiba," Joey said straight-faced. "He should be wished a Marry Christmas despite the fact he is hated. Everyone deserves a bit of Christmas cheer, and no one else will offer him any."  
  
"I don't think we should toast him at all." Mai glared at Kaiba again. "If he would pay you more we might actually be able to fix a proper Christmas meal."  
  
"Its Christmas, Mai. No one should be alone on this day."  
  
"That is right, Mai, er, Mom," Yugi added. "We should thank him for this meal."  
  
"Fine," Mai harrumphed. Then she raised her glass with everyone else.  
  
"Wow, he looks serious. Maybe the mutt can act," Bakura mused. Joey kept staring straight ahead, his face didn't change expressions.  
  
"Maybe they brainwashed him," Kaiba offered. "Or cloned him. Or possibly are using a hologram."  
  
"Nah," Bakura said. "I bet that Marik managed to use the Millennium Rod on him again. The technique is similar to brainwashing, but quite obviously different.  
  
Joey's left eye twitched.  
  
"I still think that's it's a hologram." Kaiba's face grew defiant.  
  
Joey's eye twitched again.  
  
"Brainwashed!" Bakura exclaimed.  
  
Joey's eye began to twitch rapidly.  
  
"Hologram!"  
  
"Brainwashed!"  
  
"Hologram!"  
  
"Brainwashed!"  
  
"I WAS TUNING YOU TWO OUT. IT IS KNOWN AS IGNORING PEOPLE. MOREOVER, I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB, TOO! CAN'T YOU JUST BELIEVE THAT I CAN DO THINGS RIGHT, FOR JUST ONCE!" Joey finished yelling at the duo in the corner and marched out of the kitchen/cafeteria.  
  
Tea, Yugi, and Mai were left there, glaring at Kaiba and Bakura.  
  
"I think we should go," Bakura told Kaiba nervously.  
  
"Right," Kaiba agreed.  
  
They vanished from the kitchen and reappeared in Kaiba's room.  
  
"I'm just going to go now," Bakura, stammered. Then, his voice growing dangerous, "I have a foolish blonde mortal that I must kill."  
  
"Give him my disregards," Kaiba proclaimed airily. "So, could you tell me who the last spirit is?"  
  
"Marik and Maraku, they switch back and forth." Bakura vanished.  
  
"Oh, joy," Kaiba muttered into the silence.  
  
Kaiba collapsed in his chair and closed his eyes sleepily, thinking, 'Stupid idiots and their stupid Christmas specials. Why won't they just let me sleep? I'm already an occasional insomniac as it is, I don't need this.'  
  
An hour later.  
  
Maraku appeared in the center of Kaiba's bedroom. He then proceeded to walk over to Kaiba and put his face just a little way's away from Kaiba's ear. He opened his mouth to speak (or yell), but was cut off.  
  
"Don't even think about it, psycho." Kaiba opened his clear, blue eyes and rose from the chair. "I knew you were coming. I wasn't about to actually sleep when an insane megalomaniac was going to be paying me a visit."  
  
"Mortal, by all rights, I ought to," Maraku began to say, but Kaiba cut him off.  
  
"Does every narcissistic nitwit that contains the smallest shred of immortality have to call me 'Mortal?'" Kaiba snapped crankily.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So, can we get the show on the road? Marik isn't going to take over for me until I've arrived to the graveyard and I have an important meeting with the Rare Hunters and the offshoot group I've been developing called M.O.M.A.M.," Maraku complained.  
  
"Momam?"  
  
"No, Minions of Marik and Maraku," Maraku proclaimed brightly.  
  
"OOOOOkkkkkkkk. Just keep them away from Mokuba and everything will be cool." Kaiba rolled his eyes as Maraku swung his arms to change the scene.  
  
They quickly arrived at the Shadow Realm Graveyard.  
  
"This is where I've have to leave. Marik ought to be with you soon." Maraku glanced around uneasily at the surrounding area and then faded from the scene.  
  
A hand touched Kaiba's shoulder and caused the blue-eyes teen to jump around defensively.  
  
"Yeesh, man. Jumpy, aren't you?" Marik snickered. "The Reaper of the Cards won't be around as long as the cameras are here, but the cameras will be gone soon," Marik gestured to the camera crew with their video cameras. "We had best hurry. This way."  
  
Kaiba followed the violet-eyes teen grudgingly.  
  
"Yugi is dead," Joey said as soon as Kaiba and Marik were within earshot.  
  
Marik turned and looked at Kaiba expectantly, waiting for a response. "Now no one can beat me at Duel Monsters anymore," Kaiba offered.  
  
Marik glared at Kaiba in annoyance and turned around to face the scene again.  
  
"Yes," Mai agreed, "the runt is dead. The poor little shortie." Joey gave Mai an odd look; she simply shrugged.  
  
Joey shrugged back, dropped the fireproof crutch on the grave, and waltzed off into the mist with Mai trailing behind him. Marik smirked and pulled a large bottle of gasoline from his cloak. Then he pulled out a lighter.  
  
"The crutch will BURN!" Marik laughed maniacally and raced over to the crutch and covered it in gasoline. Then he flicked on the lighter and tossed it onto the crutch.  
  
The crutch was quickly consumed into a fire pyre and burned for maybe ten, twenty minutes. Then the fire was burned out. However, the crutch remained unscathed.  
  
"NO," Marik exclaimed as Kaiba dragged him away from the unburnable crutch. "It must burn, it is part of the enemy's arsenal of bright-light weapons."  
  
"A crutch?"  
  
"A crutch," Marik confirmed brightly.  
  
"I knew Maraku was a nut case," Kaiba said, voicing his opinions aloud, "but I had hoped you possessed some sanity. I was sadly mistaken."  
  
"I am not crazy!"  
  
"That is what all the crazy people say. How do I know if you are telling the truth?"  
  
"I swear I'm not crazy!"  
  
"And I should trust you because?"  
  
"I am not crazy! Now let me go so I can burn the crutch of Bright-Light Destiny!"  
  
"Dear Lord, protect me from whatever has afflicted this sorry person I now drag with me," Kaiba intoned.  
  
"Let me go!"  
  
"We just got to the open grave, you can kill the inanimate object later," Kaiba growled and then swung Marik towards the open grave.  
  
Marik stumbled and fell, barely avoiding falling into the grave himself.  
  
"Oh, Ok," Marik replied, once again seeming cheery.  
  
Kaiba sweatdropped.  
  
"This is, as the little sign that says rip on it tells me, is your grave. Those two idiots who are lowering the coffin into it are Tristen and Duke." Marik scowled viciously. "I would send them to the Shadow Realm permanently, except I am not allowed that power for this story."  
  
Tristen and Duke unceremoniously cut the ropes on the coffin and laughed crazily as the coffin fell with a dull thud into the ground.  
  
"I am supposed to push you into the grave. You may, if you choose, jump in yourself."  
  
"Hold that thought." Kaiba was giving Marik an odd look. "The tombstone, not sign, at the head of the grave says R.I.P. for Rest in Peace. It doesn't say rip."  
  
"Oh, wow," Marik looked amazed. "It's an acronym. Like M.O.M.A.M. Wow, that is way to cool."  
  
Kaiba took a deep breath and released it slowly. Then he leapt into the open grave and fell all the way through to his bedroom. It was Christmas morning.  
  
"Joy, I missed my sleep, just thank goodness I didn't miss Christmas," Kaiba lamented.  
  
Pulling together a large assortment of junk and a ham, Kaiba got into his elevator, left his house, and got into his limo. His first stop was the Game Shop that was being used as Mokuba's 'house.'  
  
"Mokuba, Serenity, Merry Christmas." Kaiba called from his car window.  
  
"Same to you," they called back from the Game Shop's open window.  
  
Arriving at the school and racing into the cafeteria, Kaiba lugged the large bag with him as he clambered through the school.  
  
"Here I am with presents that I am supposed to give you." Kaiba said through his scowl. "Joey, you've been promoted. Now you get paint by numbers and more coal, plus a raise. Aren't you special?"  
  
Mai cracked up and just couldn't stop laughing at that point.  
  
"Riiiiiiiight," Joey said, his smile quite obviously forced.  
  
"God bless us, everyone," Yugi chirped.  
  
"ITS OVER!" Kaiba practically screamed, racing out of the school to find his parked limo. 'I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,' was the only thought running through his sleep deprived mind.  
  
A/N Like? Or dislike? You tell me by using the nifty review button. Thanky. ^-^ 


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